Here comes the time where I feel everything is wrong. My feelings. Actions. Speech. All of them. To be honest. This post was originally lengthy and heavy. Really. But I feel typing it all here is just plain pathetic and utterly useless. So there you go. The only reason I have not deactivated whatsapp is because it's actually essential. If it was the 2005s or something. I won't even bothered to have a phone.
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Friday, April 24, 2015
Sentence
I tried to talk to you. You either shove me away or answer half-heartedly. And also you were either occupied with something else or you didn't see my messages. And asking a simple question like how was your day or what did you eat apparently took you few hours to think and answer with less than 6 words(not actual number as I am a bit mad now). So it doesn't work, ok, I get it. So I started with saying I wanted to talk to R. But I know she won't talk to me, since she said "Just stop talking to me". I just want to let that out. I want to tell how and what I was thinking and feeling. I wasn't expecting approval, or anything. I just want to let that out. Because it's killing me. She never looked at me, I don't even dare to speak at an publicly audible voice when she's around, and I, was so scared, that today, as I ride my bike home, I saw her from afar walking back to her apartment, that one chance to look at her and I don't know, smile or just make eye contact, I averted my gaze, I'm too scared to find out how she will react or anything. I didn't even had the chance to meet her for the second time to tell what I want.
And now, you, you too, ask me to go away, that I don't need to tell you what and how I feel. So okay. If that's how and what you need.
It's okay. I can still act socially active outside so that you don't have to feel bad, or even better, it will make an impression that I don't give a shit about anything as I am so carefree and happy, thus you both can have more reason to further hate me.
It's tiring.
And now, you, you too, ask me to go away, that I don't need to tell you what and how I feel. So okay. If that's how and what you need.
It's okay. I can still act socially active outside so that you don't have to feel bad, or even better, it will make an impression that I don't give a shit about anything as I am so carefree and happy, thus you both can have more reason to further hate me.
It's tiring.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Peeeds. Paediatrics.
So today I started day 1 as a 3rd year student paeds department. It was fun and boring too.We learned on the history taking for paediatrics. Some of the stuffs to keep in mind, never, ever, refer to the kids, as "the patient", always say it as, "the child".
I don't have the mood. Actually I do, I was pumped up for the day. Woke up at 5.20am, went for my prayers, and straight to Marena for badminton till 7am. Damn it was fun, and class was ok. But. Somehow. Idk. Maybe. All this while, I wish people all the best, have fun, good luck on your next postings. Maybe I was expecting to receive them too. But no. Nothing. Not even a have a great day. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Not even a glance, nothing. I am that disgraceful and sickening right. Why. Just a simple gesture would mean the world to me. But no. I guess I no longer deserve that forever right. I will tell about how the day go. If i have the feel for it. If not. Just. Nevermind. Nobody cares.
I don't have the mood. Actually I do, I was pumped up for the day. Woke up at 5.20am, went for my prayers, and straight to Marena for badminton till 7am. Damn it was fun, and class was ok. But. Somehow. Idk. Maybe. All this while, I wish people all the best, have fun, good luck on your next postings. Maybe I was expecting to receive them too. But no. Nothing. Not even a have a great day. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Not even a glance, nothing. I am that disgraceful and sickening right. Why. Just a simple gesture would mean the world to me. But no. I guess I no longer deserve that forever right. I will tell about how the day go. If i have the feel for it. If not. Just. Nevermind. Nobody cares.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Celebration
I finished the end posting exam!!! Yeayyyy~ And guess what??? Come on guess hehehehe.
Nobody cares~ No one come and asked how was it, did I did ok, was it hard, did I celebrate, are my group having an end posting party? No. None. Nada.
I would have asked you all that. All that and more. I would even asked whether you wanna do something together. A movie. Dinner. Tea. Anything. But no. One specifically asked me not to talk to her, and the one time she texted me, she claims and strongly justify that it was a mistake, no way it was for me. And another, I don't know, justifications here and there, phone's not in vicinity, busy, have not yet told others we met, I don't even think she consider talking about how the day went.
Yes. I deserve this. Fine. What else. What. All those I did was to be forgotten? All those things I did was an act? To fool who? What did I get? Tell me. What. You think I leisurely spent my time just because I'm so free? You think I get to tell people about it? Did I take advantage of you? Really? Did I? So whatever we did together was just all me taking advantage of you? Not a single moment that was honest? Is that it?
I skipped lunch. Didn't feel like it. Went to the gym for an hour. Almost fainted in the locker room when I was going back. Was going to pay the phone bills, but the company's closed today, there's a notice put up, but I can't read it. Then got back home, relax, showered, boiled some eggs, then went to the mosque.
As I got back, I texted Melissa about everything. I should have done it so much sooner. At least this time, I come clean, I was the one who said it, and if she hates me for what I have done and caused, so be it, I did what I should. Being honest (yea, all the things I said like how much I care about people is a lie right, I mean, what an ass, I lied about everything)
And now. I want to spend some time. With someone. To talk, eat, do something together. But no. Such things are no longer I deserve. Like my grammar, so shitty I want to vomit.
Nobody cares~ No one come and asked how was it, did I did ok, was it hard, did I celebrate, are my group having an end posting party? No. None. Nada.
I would have asked you all that. All that and more. I would even asked whether you wanna do something together. A movie. Dinner. Tea. Anything. But no. One specifically asked me not to talk to her, and the one time she texted me, she claims and strongly justify that it was a mistake, no way it was for me. And another, I don't know, justifications here and there, phone's not in vicinity, busy, have not yet told others we met, I don't even think she consider talking about how the day went.
Yes. I deserve this. Fine. What else. What. All those I did was to be forgotten? All those things I did was an act? To fool who? What did I get? Tell me. What. You think I leisurely spent my time just because I'm so free? You think I get to tell people about it? Did I take advantage of you? Really? Did I? So whatever we did together was just all me taking advantage of you? Not a single moment that was honest? Is that it?
I skipped lunch. Didn't feel like it. Went to the gym for an hour. Almost fainted in the locker room when I was going back. Was going to pay the phone bills, but the company's closed today, there's a notice put up, but I can't read it. Then got back home, relax, showered, boiled some eggs, then went to the mosque.
As I got back, I texted Melissa about everything. I should have done it so much sooner. At least this time, I come clean, I was the one who said it, and if she hates me for what I have done and caused, so be it, I did what I should. Being honest (yea, all the things I said like how much I care about people is a lie right, I mean, what an ass, I lied about everything)
And now. I want to spend some time. With someone. To talk, eat, do something together. But no. Such things are no longer I deserve. Like my grammar, so shitty I want to vomit.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Can I?
So tomorrow is my end posting exam, wohoo. There's a lot to read, and some of the topics, the slides were not given, and then there's the SDLs and stuffs. I just need someone to text. To tell all this. Say that I'm worried, I'm scared, we don't have spot questions or past papers, and it's just too many to read, I'm restless, my head hurts.
And I had my dinner. I cooked again, yay~ This time it's fried rice with veg, chicken and egg, with a side dish of the most minimalistic cabbage soup. It took me around 30 minutes or less to prepare, clean the kitchen. The fried rice was good, but the soup was just ok, like lamely ok. And there's too many rice, I couldn't finish them all. Plus eating alone is seriously not fun.
Then, to the mosque. I didn't even feel like resting there for a while like usual. Everything seems dull and dead. AA went to the hospital for night posting, so enthusiastic, as long as he's not doing it for attention and fame it's fine by me.
So, did you had dinner? What did you have?
So what's the plan for tonight?
So nice la now, nothing to worry, just waiting for the next posting.
I have to studyyy huhuu. Will anyone teman me? :'(
This is depressing. This is sad.
Can I please talk to you? Can I please text you?
And I had my dinner. I cooked again, yay~ This time it's fried rice with veg, chicken and egg, with a side dish of the most minimalistic cabbage soup. It took me around 30 minutes or less to prepare, clean the kitchen. The fried rice was good, but the soup was just ok, like lamely ok. And there's too many rice, I couldn't finish them all. Plus eating alone is seriously not fun.
Then, to the mosque. I didn't even feel like resting there for a while like usual. Everything seems dull and dead. AA went to the hospital for night posting, so enthusiastic, as long as he's not doing it for attention and fame it's fine by me.
So, did you had dinner? What did you have?
So what's the plan for tonight?
So nice la now, nothing to worry, just waiting for the next posting.
I have to studyyy huhuu. Will anyone teman me? :'(
This is depressing. This is sad.
Can I please talk to you? Can I please text you?
THE LONELY NASI GORENG BUJANG SET
Look down
Hey, all the best ok, you got this hehehe. We'll grab some snacks afterwards, but cannot so late, I have to study for my end posting tomorrow hehe. Don't skip lunch okay, I know you want to study, but don't starve yourself ok. Eat, at least chocs or some shwarma (ok that's kinda heavy lol). Eat ok. Promise meeeee~~
How was it?? Tell me it was easy. Hahaha. Told ya, you got this one alright. Next? OBG? Wow. That's not so easy huh. Any end posting celebration? Hehehe. The seniors usually have this makan2 thingy everytime after end posting. Your group not doing it? Lameeee hehehe.
So today I made pancakes, with honeyyyy. It was good. But a bit too sweet I guess. what do you expect, 3 spoonful of honey. Honey is sweeter than sugar. So yeah. Eeeghh. Hahaha. but at least it gave me energy till 11AM hahhaha. So, the IEC presentation. The worst and scariest part was, the lecturer who was supposed to come and assess us can't make it, so he was substituted by the most feared lecturer, and I was like, "Noooooooo waaaaaay I'm gonna present this", so we kinda forced N to do it. Hahaha. One thing that is absolute about him is his level of chillness, it's over 9000 hahaha. He was like, "What, Serious ar?, You do la. Aihhh. Okok lemme see the thing". I was worried, and a bit guilty too. But hey. I did all the work. Someone can wrap it up right. So as usual. Our group is the last to present. The previous groups were not left unscathed by the comments from the lecturer. Hahahahhaa. So, when it was our turn. I went to the computer and set the pics. N stands upfront for presentation. It was damn cool and smooth I tell you. Hahahah. They laughed, we all laughed. And after approximately 5 minutes of talking, we stopped, she said, "I think this is the BEST IEC presentation :D" And we were like "Yeaaaaahhhhhh!!!! Wohoooo~" Claps around the class and it ends fantastically.
Next session was Community Diagnosis presentation. From the slums area la. Q presented, it was good, and this time he didn't get blasted hehehehe. And so around 11, class finishes.
I went to Marena and did my membership card. Yaaay. Then ride to YourChoice and eat, Alone, Shit, that was depressing, I can't even text anyone about it. I had KFC chicken, and chicken 65 I think. I can't even finish it. Haih. Then I went back home. Relax. Showered, it's so hot recently, I showered around 4 times a day now. Then I packed my stuff to go to the library, and head to the mosque for prayer. After prayer, to the library. Ok, somehow the security around Manipal University is upgrading, new uniforms, they now checked your combo card when u enter through any gate. Like seriously? Then to the library (lol so many repetition). Sat down, after 30 minutes, I fell asleep. Lol. Woke up and then study till 4. I didn't want to go to library, but I have to, sitting at home alone is much more depressing. So then, went to the mosque, pray, then borrowed Rs10 from A, he said to take 20 but I said no, it's enough. Then I went to Tiwari Chaat, and was soooo ready for samosa chat. And then I realised, the price is Rs22, not Rs12. I have a Rs10 , Rs500 and few coins. I was so sad :'( Huuuuu. So then. Heavily. Went back to library. Studied till 5PM and went home. On the way I stopped at Queens, bough some onions, garlic, cabbage and milk, for my meals since I'm reaching rock bottom broke. Went back to Shambavi, go to K's house to blend the onions and garlic. Got back, look at my sad room, and then write this post. I'm hungry, my studies are waaaaay far from done, portfolio's a mess, life's a mess, and no one to talk to.
Ok I really need to take out the negative, depressive buts from my posts, it's not really helping me. But. Haih, Okok. I'll try reducing it. Hm.
Paaaaaaancaaaaaakeessss
How was it?? Tell me it was easy. Hahaha. Told ya, you got this one alright. Next? OBG? Wow. That's not so easy huh. Any end posting celebration? Hehehe. The seniors usually have this makan2 thingy everytime after end posting. Your group not doing it? Lameeee hehehe.
So today I made pancakes, with honeyyyy. It was good. But a bit too sweet I guess. what do you expect, 3 spoonful of honey. Honey is sweeter than sugar. So yeah. Eeeghh. Hahaha. but at least it gave me energy till 11AM hahhaha. So, the IEC presentation. The worst and scariest part was, the lecturer who was supposed to come and assess us can't make it, so he was substituted by the most feared lecturer, and I was like, "Noooooooo waaaaaay I'm gonna present this", so we kinda forced N to do it. Hahaha. One thing that is absolute about him is his level of chillness, it's over 9000 hahaha. He was like, "What, Serious ar?, You do la. Aihhh. Okok lemme see the thing". I was worried, and a bit guilty too. But hey. I did all the work. Someone can wrap it up right. So as usual. Our group is the last to present. The previous groups were not left unscathed by the comments from the lecturer. Hahahahhaa. So, when it was our turn. I went to the computer and set the pics. N stands upfront for presentation. It was damn cool and smooth I tell you. Hahahah. They laughed, we all laughed. And after approximately 5 minutes of talking, we stopped, she said, "I think this is the BEST IEC presentation :D" And we were like "Yeaaaaahhhhhh!!!! Wohoooo~" Claps around the class and it ends fantastically.
Next session was Community Diagnosis presentation. From the slums area la. Q presented, it was good, and this time he didn't get blasted hehehehe. And so around 11, class finishes.
I went to Marena and did my membership card. Yaaay. Then ride to YourChoice and eat, Alone, Shit, that was depressing, I can't even text anyone about it. I had KFC chicken, and chicken 65 I think. I can't even finish it. Haih. Then I went back home. Relax. Showered, it's so hot recently, I showered around 4 times a day now. Then I packed my stuff to go to the library, and head to the mosque for prayer. After prayer, to the library. Ok, somehow the security around Manipal University is upgrading, new uniforms, they now checked your combo card when u enter through any gate. Like seriously? Then to the library (lol so many repetition). Sat down, after 30 minutes, I fell asleep. Lol. Woke up and then study till 4. I didn't want to go to library, but I have to, sitting at home alone is much more depressing. So then, went to the mosque, pray, then borrowed Rs10 from A, he said to take 20 but I said no, it's enough. Then I went to Tiwari Chaat, and was soooo ready for samosa chat. And then I realised, the price is Rs22, not Rs12. I have a Rs10 , Rs500 and few coins. I was so sad :'( Huuuuu. So then. Heavily. Went back to library. Studied till 5PM and went home. On the way I stopped at Queens, bough some onions, garlic, cabbage and milk, for my meals since I'm reaching rock bottom broke. Went back to Shambavi, go to K's house to blend the onions and garlic. Got back, look at my sad room, and then write this post. I'm hungry, my studies are waaaaay far from done, portfolio's a mess, life's a mess, and no one to talk to.
Ok I really need to take out the negative, depressive buts from my posts, it's not really helping me. But. Haih, Okok. I'll try reducing it. Hm.
Paaaaaaancaaaaaakeessss
The best IEC presentation hehehehehhehehehehehehhehehhehehehhhee me is happy. All those nights spent are worth it :D
How is it going?
So I woke up. And then there it is. Notification in my phone. For a moment I was happy. For a moment I was relieved. Just for a moment. And it was all i need. Until. Until i came back home. I was checking my phone for my group's IEC discussion. And I realised. It was just a text sent wrong. It was not meant for me, it was an accident. And at that moment. I just don't know anymore. Emotional pain can be expressed as something physical. And my head hurts. So tempted to double down some paracetamol. It worked. It always worked. But I can't. I promised I won't do that again. And so I sat. Holding everything in. At least I don't have to worry. You still have someone to text. So I know you are not lonely. And how foolish to wish, that the person is me.
Ok, get to class you idiot. You iron your shirt twice yesterday. Get ready. Got IEC presentation, for sure I am not gonna present. I did almost all the work. Come on, I'm not gonna present it too. Let someone else present it. Time to make some breakfast.
Ok, get to class you idiot. You iron your shirt twice yesterday. Get ready. Got IEC presentation, for sure I am not gonna present. I did almost all the work. Come on, I'm not gonna present it too. Let someone else present it. Time to make some breakfast.
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