Sentence

I tried to talk to you. You either shove me away or answer half-heartedly. And also you were either occupied with something else or you didn't see my messages. And asking a simple question like how was your day or what did you eat apparently took you few hours to think and answer with less than 6 words(not actual number as I am a bit mad now). So it doesn't work, ok, I get it. So I started with saying I wanted to talk to R. But I know she won't talk to me, since she said "Just stop talking to me". I just want to let that out. I want to tell how and what I was thinking and feeling. I wasn't expecting approval, or anything. I just want to let that out. Because it's killing me. She never looked at me, I don't even dare to speak at an publicly audible voice when she's around, and I, was so scared, that today, as I ride my bike home, I saw her from afar walking back to her apartment, that one chance to look at her and I don't know, smile or just make eye contact, I averted my gaze, I'm too scared to find out how she will react or anything. I didn't even had the chance to meet her for the second time to tell what I want.

And now, you, you too, ask me to go away, that I don't need to tell you what and how I feel. So okay. If that's how and what you need.

It's okay. I can still act socially active outside so that you don't have to feel bad, or even better, it will make an impression that I don't give a shit about anything as I am so carefree and happy, thus you both can have more reason to further hate me.

It's tiring.

Peeeds. Paediatrics.

So today I started day 1 as a 3rd year student paeds department. It was fun and boring too.We learned on the history taking for paediatrics. Some of the stuffs to keep in mind, never, ever, refer to the kids, as "the patient", always say it as, "the child".

I don't have the mood. Actually I do, I was pumped up for the day. Woke up at 5.20am, went for my prayers, and straight to Marena for badminton till 7am. Damn it was fun, and class was ok. But. Somehow. Idk. Maybe. All this while, I wish people all the best, have fun, good luck on your next postings. Maybe I was expecting to receive them too. But no. Nothing. Not even a have a great day. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Not even a glance, nothing. I am that disgraceful and sickening right. Why. Just a simple gesture would mean the world to me. But no. I guess I no longer deserve that forever right. I will tell about how the day go. If i have the feel for it. If not. Just. Nevermind. Nobody cares. 

Celebration

I finished the end posting exam!!! Yeayyyy~ And guess what??? Come on guess hehehehe.


Nobody cares~ No one come and asked how was it, did I did ok, was it hard, did I celebrate, are my group having an end posting party? No. None. Nada.
I would have asked you all that. All that and more. I would even asked whether you wanna do something together. A movie. Dinner. Tea. Anything. But no. One specifically asked me not to talk to her, and the one time she texted me, she claims and strongly justify that it was a mistake, no way it was for me. And another, I don't know, justifications here and there, phone's not in vicinity, busy, have not yet told others we met, I don't even think she consider talking about how the day went.

Yes. I deserve this. Fine. What else. What. All those I did was to be forgotten? All those things I did was an act? To fool who? What did I get? Tell me. What. You think I leisurely spent my time just because I'm so free? You think I get to tell people about it? Did I take advantage of you? Really? Did I? So whatever we did together was just all me taking advantage of you? Not a single moment that was honest? Is that it?

I skipped lunch. Didn't feel like it. Went to the gym for an hour. Almost fainted in the locker room when I was going back. Was going to pay the phone bills, but the company's closed today, there's a notice put up, but I can't read it. Then got back home, relax, showered, boiled some eggs, then went to the mosque.

As I got back, I texted Melissa about everything. I should have done it so much sooner. At least this time, I come clean, I was the one who said it, and if she hates me for what I have done and caused, so be it, I did what I should. Being honest (yea, all the things I said like how much I care about people is a lie right, I mean, what an ass, I lied about everything)

And now. I want to spend some time. With someone. To talk, eat, do something together. But no. Such things are no longer I deserve. Like my grammar, so shitty I want to vomit.

Can I?

So tomorrow is my end posting exam, wohoo. There's a lot to read, and some of the topics, the slides were not given, and then there's the SDLs and stuffs. I just need someone to text. To tell all this. Say that I'm worried, I'm scared, we don't have spot questions or past papers, and it's just too many to read, I'm restless, my head hurts.

And I had my dinner. I cooked again, yay~ This time it's fried rice with veg, chicken and egg, with a side dish of the most minimalistic cabbage soup. It took me around 30 minutes or less to prepare, clean the kitchen. The fried rice was good, but the soup was just ok, like lamely ok. And there's too many rice, I couldn't finish them all. Plus eating alone is seriously not fun.

Then, to the mosque. I didn't even feel like resting there for a while like usual. Everything seems dull and dead. AA went to the hospital for night posting, so enthusiastic, as long as he's not doing it for attention and fame it's fine by me.

So, did you had dinner? What did you have?
So what's the plan for tonight?
So nice la now, nothing to worry, just waiting for the next posting.
I have to studyyy huhuu. Will anyone teman me? :'(
This is depressing. This is sad.
Can I please talk to you? Can I please text you?

THE LONELY NASI GORENG BUJANG SET

Look down

Hey, all the best ok, you got this hehehe. We'll grab some snacks afterwards, but cannot so late, I have to study for my end posting tomorrow hehe. Don't skip lunch okay, I know you want to study, but don't starve yourself ok. Eat, at least chocs or some shwarma (ok that's kinda heavy lol). Eat ok. Promise meeeee~~

How was it?? Tell me it was easy. Hahaha. Told ya, you got this one alright. Next? OBG? Wow. That's not so easy huh. Any end posting celebration? Hehehe. The seniors usually have this makan2 thingy everytime after end posting. Your group not doing it? Lameeee hehehe.

So today I made pancakes, with honeyyyy. It was good. But a bit too sweet I guess. what do you expect, 3 spoonful of honey. Honey is sweeter than sugar. So yeah. Eeeghh. Hahaha. but at least it gave me energy till 11AM hahhaha. So, the IEC presentation. The worst and scariest part was, the lecturer who was supposed to come and assess us can't make it, so he was substituted by the most feared lecturer, and I was like, "Noooooooo waaaaaay I'm gonna present this", so we kinda forced N to do it. Hahaha. One thing that is absolute about him is his level of chillness, it's over 9000 hahaha. He was like, "What, Serious ar?, You do la. Aihhh. Okok lemme see the thing". I was worried, and a bit guilty too. But hey. I did all the work. Someone can wrap it up right. So as usual. Our group is the last to present. The previous groups were not left unscathed by the comments from the lecturer. Hahahahhaa. So, when it was our turn. I went to the computer and set the pics. N stands upfront for presentation. It was damn cool and smooth I tell you. Hahahah. They laughed, we all laughed. And after approximately 5 minutes of talking, we stopped, she said, "I think this is the BEST IEC presentation :D" And we were like "Yeaaaaahhhhhh!!!! Wohoooo~" Claps around the class and it ends fantastically.
Next session was Community Diagnosis presentation. From the slums area la. Q presented, it was good, and this time he didn't get blasted hehehehe. And so around 11, class finishes.

I went to Marena and did my membership card. Yaaay. Then ride to YourChoice and eat, Alone, Shit, that was depressing, I can't even text anyone about it. I had KFC chicken, and chicken 65 I think. I can't even finish it. Haih. Then I went back home. Relax. Showered, it's so hot recently, I showered around 4 times a day now. Then I packed my stuff to go to the library, and head to the mosque for prayer. After prayer, to the library. Ok, somehow the security around Manipal University is upgrading, new uniforms, they now checked your combo card when u enter through any gate. Like seriously? Then to the library (lol so many repetition). Sat down, after 30 minutes, I fell asleep. Lol. Woke up and then study till 4. I didn't want to go to library, but I have to, sitting at home alone is much more depressing. So then, went to the mosque, pray, then borrowed Rs10 from A, he said to take 20 but I said no, it's enough. Then I went to Tiwari Chaat, and was soooo ready for samosa chat. And then I realised, the price is Rs22, not Rs12. I have a Rs10 , Rs500 and few coins. I was so sad :'( Huuuuu. So then. Heavily. Went back to library. Studied till 5PM and went home. On the way I stopped at Queens, bough some onions, garlic, cabbage and milk, for my meals since I'm reaching rock bottom broke. Went back to Shambavi, go to K's house to blend the onions and garlic. Got back, look at my sad room, and then write this post. I'm hungry, my studies are waaaaay far from done, portfolio's a mess, life's a mess, and no one to talk to.

Ok I really need to take out the negative, depressive buts from my posts, it's not really helping me. But. Haih, Okok. I'll try reducing it. Hm.

Paaaaaaancaaaaaakeessss

The best IEC presentation hehehehehhehehehehehehhehehhehehehhhee me is happy. All those nights spent are worth it :D

How is it going?

So I woke up. And then there it is. Notification in my phone. For a moment I was happy. For a moment I was relieved. Just for a moment. And it was all i need. Until. Until i came back home. I was checking my phone for my group's IEC discussion. And I realised. It was just a text sent wrong. It was not meant for me, it was an accident. And at that moment. I just don't know anymore. Emotional pain can be expressed as something physical. And my head hurts. So tempted to double down some paracetamol. It worked. It always worked. But I can't. I promised I won't do that again. And so I sat. Holding everything in. At least I don't have to worry. You still have someone to text. So I know you are not lonely. And how foolish to wish, that the person is me.

Ok, get to class you idiot. You iron your shirt twice yesterday. Get ready. Got IEC presentation, for sure I am not gonna present. I did almost all the work. Come on, I'm not gonna present it too. Let someone else present it. Time to make some breakfast.

Too much?

Okay. this is unprecedented. People talk. They complain. They let out. They distract themselves. I tried. I cooked. Cleaned the kitchen. Iron my clothes for the second time unnecessarily, even labcoats. I did my bed. Arranged books. I am currently doing my IEC pamphlet, and I am stuck, nothing is coming, no output, currently listening to Johann Sebastian Bach symphony, and it is not cheerful, it's like the melody is meant for death and lost love. Anyway, what the heck am I suppose to do now. Talk? To who? People have end posting exam tomorrow. People in Malaysia are asleep. I need a way. Anything. Please.

This is ridiculous. It's like talking to yourself and answering everything. What logic is that. Still no output for IEC. Others are already studying for the test. And here I am, Foolishly waiting. Maybe just a simple "How was your day?" or "Are you ok?" or to the very least"Hi". But that's asking for too much. This is no storybook or novel. This is real life. 3rd year real life. Everybody is busy with their own life. And I thrashed all those who cared about me.

Bodoh la. Now you want to recollect. Just shut up. Keep typing. We'll get the IEC idea soon. Our one mind that can overcome many. Prove it. We'll shut em down. Now you are just being a self-righteous, big headed, cocky ass. So what. If there's one thing you can always do is use that head of yours to do stuff others are lazy to do. Seriously? Still nothing? Maybe we should change songs. And I'm so tired trying to pull jokes, laughs and smiles so that people won't ask. Stupid right. I want attention so much but at the same time I act as if I will ignore you or kill you if you even raise an eyebrow as to question if I am okay. What is wrong with you. This is stupid. I'm going back to making IEC, Still 2 pages left,

The Hunger Games

Sorry. Not the movie or books.

I think this sets the record for a new low or a new somewhat different level. 2 post in one day. Just about ranting, because I am damaged and lost. Hm, I think I'm gonna change my URL link later. So, ahem let's begin.

Hey. Look~ This is my dinner~ What did you have?
I cooked the rice at 6. Which was kinda early, since it dried of a bit too much, or I guess there's just too little water. And yeasssss chikennn. I marinate them for an hour or so with 2spices, garam masala and kebab 65 if I think, the name of the spices. It was kinda hard, since I used a frying pan to fry the chicken, so it was like, flip, flip, poke, flip, flip, poke, and oh no I forgot to flip, and then my veg overcooked, then damn I need to turn the fire to minimum, then the eggs scrambled B-E-A-utifully, added the overcooked veg, accidentally poured chilly powder, a tad too many of salt, then stir stir stir, up and down into the plate, struggling to find a proper tool to take the rice from the rice cooker, take as many rice as I think I can eat, flip and flip the chicken for fun, into the plate, now I realised I don't have gravy, and I cannot eat rice this dry, so scavenger hunt for "kicap" found it, when I first open the cover, I swear the gas is lethal it could destroy your olfactory nerve ending, so I took a chance, splashed some of it on to my palm, taste it, hm, it's not that bad, wash wash the whole bottle, and sprayed some of the salted soy sauce to the rice, wash wash the utensils and stuffs, and voila! Dinner is served!

Seriously, it was still too dry. I need to make gravy, or at the very least some dumb veg or chicken soup. I almost choked the rice hahaha. The chicken is niceeeee. The spices taste good, maybe if I know how to use flour to make fried chicken I'll get something like the chicken kebab in YourChoice lol. And then I ate it, didn't even bother to watch a movie or an episode of House M.D., I just sat(sad) there and eat. Then I forwarded the pic to my family whatsapp group, joke around about "menyahut saranan menteri CGPA 3.8" , and then wrap things up, get ready, and off to the mosque.

I just arrived. So, yea, IEC, and study for end posting test. Hehehe

Look at this magnificent nasi bujang. So awesome

I guess I was that hungry and that money-concious to not waste any food.

So.

How's your day?

Did you had breakfast?

What did you have for lunch?

Anything interesting happened?

Are you done with class?

What time are u reaching home?

What are you doing?

Had dinner yet?

What did you have?

Who cooked?

How was it?

What are you doing?

Are you asleep?

Worried

So today you missed the 8-9 class. I so wanted to ask why, are you ok, are you sick, do you need today's notes, want me to tell you what happened in class etc. But I know I am not allowed to. I also know today, tomorrow and the day after is hectic for all of us, so, I'm sorry, for disobeying your request.

I texted both. And I did not even dare to check whether did you receive it, read it, or the fact that I got blocked, I'm just too scared to find out. Thus I texted, and let it be. If due to the wishes any of you blocked me, then it's ok. At least after this I can text all the time, and just fall in my delusion that I'm actually telling you stuffs. 

So, today, my group did our presentation. Like finally. Since we're the last group to present. At first I don't know what to expect out of my team mates, since this is the first time I've worked with any of them. In short, I was quite worried. Even our slides was still not ready until 30 minutes before the presentation. And what's even more nervous-ing is that the lecturer's standard. Unpredictable. Some want so much details that you just wanna cry.

But. All is well. It went surprisingly good. I was so impressed. It was so smooth and everybody did great. I was so happy. Like seriously happy hehehe. The lecturer was even so interested that she asked for my team mates "good name". That's how good it was. We finished the class at 3.40PM or somewhat.

So after class, I went to the bank and did my Marena membership. That's Rs1500 out of my survival money T.T I almost cried doing it huhuhu. Then withdrew some money to pay Khairullah the camp we're going to which also cost more money. And then I went back. Rest for a few minutes, went to the mosque and pray. Afterwards I went to buy some groceries. Cooking oil, eggs, chicken, and some kacang panjang, and few spices that I randomly pick. See, I'm running out on money. The mass food I have with your choice are for emergencies and to last until next allowance, so, this is my resort, we'll cook. I mean, I cook, alone, eat alone. F***. This sucks.

Now as I type this, the IEC pamphlet is still waiting to be completed and I am out of ideas, and I'm hungry. I'm fasting today. All I had for sahur was oats+milo+condensed milk. Not seperately. Mix it all up and eat it. Well, at least I did had sahur right. Where was I? Oh yea IEC. Yea, we still have 3/4 of it to be done. And end posting exam is on Wednesday, I don't know how the questions are, what will be asked, the lecturer said read everything, and also few SDLs topics. I'm screwed. For real. If failing is impossible and meaningless in 3rd year, maybe it's time to try. I'm gonna cook my rice now. And then  iron some clothes, and then maybe start on the IEC or studying. If not I'll just lie down and get depressed or play games that will waste my time of which I will regret that decision later. 

Here again.

I was wondering why did I stopped blogging. Yes it is because I was too busy with studies and all. But to be realistic and to be more specific. Is that I no longer have the need to. Why?

It's because previously I don't really have a person to tell all my stories and feelings. They're kind off got stuck and heaped up inside me. And it feels so heavy. I mean, yea I do tell stuff to some friends, but not all, and not freely. It was always so restricted. And I was scared too. I mean what if the things that I told them will make them think bad about me, what if it's not supposed to be told? All this in a way hamper my true feelings. I cut out details from my stories, I actually think whether the story is interesting or not so that I won't waste their time and bla bla bla. Although I am quite sure few of my friends who I don't know how minute is the chance for anyone to read this, but, if they were to read this, I bet they'll be angry, mad, frustrated and even disappointed. Because I will too. Someone who you take as your friend is saying that they are not comfortable to tell you stuff, or scared that you might judge them, anyone who is a friend will be offended by such thoughts, right? I'm sorry. But that's what I felt. And I feel miserable. UNTIL..

Until I met someone special, that I opened up to. Anything. Everything. No matter how big or small, how significant or not, how ridiculous or serious, day or night, free or busy. I would tell that person everything. And it feels so good. It feels like I am not alone. And that's when I no longer need to write or blog. Simple. But. It's not. I failed. I failed to control my emotions. I pushed the limit. We went to more than just friends. And that too felt good. All that I always liked. Funny and cynical. We share the same opinion of how too mushy some stuffs are. Being romantic in the weirdest ways. Quarrel like there is no tomorrow. All that we liked, disliked, we adapted, we take in those things, and up to a certain point, I stopped eating citrus fruits just because my SO hates oranges. And even eat some ridiculously sweet dish although the idea of it makes me feel so weird about it. All the happiness and joy. Unfathomable. And like day and night. The sun sets. And all there is, is darkness. It was my fault too. What happened? Not to be discussed now. Because the main story is what I only now realise.

I was lost. No one to tell my stories. To share my feelings. To just joke around and talk to. Like a giant pothole in my metaphorical heart. Feels like something is missing. And I wander. I longed for the same attention. And from one side, my wish came true. Someone did came in. Stayed with me as my heart is trying to not fall apart. Hear my stories no matter how late or early it is. To laugh at the lamest jokes one could ever think of. The void now becomes the supernova. Bright lights. Sounds that forever in my mind to keep me company. And again. This metaphorical heart of mine jumps and skips and somersault into diving deeper and deeper into more than a friend. Attached. Tangled. So deep until that as my head realise that we can't go further, we already went through all. And I was scared to be honest. Scared if I actually say it there and then, I may never let go easily. Although I know, that eventually we have to let go. And so I stayed silent. I locked the words, bury it down under the deepest part of my heart and mind. Such to an extent of how things were. We refrained from eating/drinking what the other hates or won't eat/drink.

And then again. Like Icarus, who flew to near to the sun. It came crashing down. I thought that we could safely land. And walk again as friends. I really want that. But no. My selfish, idiotic, disrespectful acts are no longer retractable. Shots have been fired. Tears falls. Hearts bled.

"You're damaged"

If it isn't because I was trying to make them hate me, I would have burst into tears and cried for help as those words were uttered. But no. I must stop myself. Yes I am damaged. No longer fixable. But not you. I won't forgive myself if I hurt you more.

And that's when I realised. All this time. I was longing for someone. But it was not a need, it was what I want. If I had controlled my emotions. Keep it all heaped up and vomit everything out typing it here in this beat-down, tainted blog. Nothing would have gone wrong. No one will be hurt. So maybe, just maybe. I'll force myself to blog once again. To cage and chain this heart that cannot differentiate being nice from being flirty. In hope, we will keep everything here. And give nothing out to the world. If it burns, it's me, if it's freezes, it's me, if it dies, others can still live.